I have never been a believer in New Years resolutions. Well, maybe once upon ago when I was a little girl. As I grew, I started to realize that everytime the new year came along I would make these commitments and goals to myself only to break or negotiate them. I always negotiate. Everytime I try to “buckle down” or “do it right this time” or “This is the time, I am serious”, I negotiate a deal to get myself out of it. Every. Single. Time. 

As the years changed and I grew- I recongized this about myself with food commitments, exercise, career path, plans for the kids, ect. Everytime it would lead to feeling bad about myself that yet again, I didn’t hold myself accountable. I saw it as such a weakness. I didnt understand what was “wrong with me” and “why cant I be like everyone else”. 

The term projecting means guessing or assuming what might happen. The downfall is that it leads to higher states of depression, feelings of failure, incompetence, defeated, unworthy, ect. 

I got tired of projecting into the following year like I could predict the outcomes of whatever will transpire. Goals without expectations are where we all want to be. The problem is we all attach expectations to our hopes, dreams and goals. Expectations always end in resentment, anger, and depression. 

Even when I had my own plan, the universe always has hers. I know myself better these days. I know that when i put myself into a box with shoulds, coulds and musts that I fail everytime. This failure validates the story I have told myself my entire life. I am not worthy. I am not smart. I dont fit it. 

I have this thing when I feel trapped. I will rebel and fight until the bitter ends. Even when I am the one who created the box. I resist the “shoulds” and “have to’s”. I lash out arguing back and forth with myself until I crumble. 

Why? Why do I do this to myself? 

Because society says so. I have been taught to create goals with action plans and go at it head on. I am just not that way anymore. My goals are more internal than external. They arent all about accomplishments, weight loss, career goals, or parenting. They have become about wanting to learn regulation, joy, presence and commitment. 

I find solitude in reflection. It allows me to feel empowered whether my year was shit or fantastic.

 During the shit years, I look back and think, “damn, you made it through hell and back”. I never thought I could and I did. I made it even when I was drowning. 

During the fantastic years, I can bask in the rewards that come from that like joy from perseverance, hitting new goals and commitment to keep growing. I honor myself and stand in gratitude. 

This year felt different for me. I didn’t feel like it was all shit or all fantastic. It was all about learning. I unlocked new parts of me I didn’t know were hiding. Ive heard it called shadow work. A spiritual term for looking at the dark sides to break free and be who you are. It scared me at first but it had to happen. I need to observe and learn instead of just growing all the time. Weirdly, I thrive best in pain and growth.

The observation has been the hardest and painful at times. This led to deep feelings of self-hatred followed by gentleness and grace while I navigated this. Something I had never given myself before…grace. That was foreign to me. I now know that when I see those dark sides, it will be okay. 

Lastly, I had some good business growth and met many of my quarterly goals throughout the year. I increased my profits and podcast listeners. I started back with supervision for my next license. I got the courage to go to therapy and work on my trauma. I gave myself grace and patience when I needed it most. I let more things go like piles of laundry and dishes in the sink. I have been the most consistent in 2022 than I ever have before. 

That feels damn good. 

You can have goals without expectations. You can have goals. Just don’t forget the reflection. Dont forget to give yourself credit no matter what went right or wrong this year. 

Don’t project your future or set yourself up for failure. 

Reflect don’t project.

With light,

Katelyn <3