When Life Plays Hardball & You Throw Back
These days I feel most grateful for a flexible job, supportive husband, family help and the ability to shift my schedule because of life.
Life tends to hit when you’re already down. It’s a fact. I do believe that “god” will give you more than you can handle at times. I also believe that even when we don’t feel like we can figure it out or can’t see the light- we somehow do.
The common thing I have heard lately is “wow you guys have been through so much these last few months”. Yes…yes we have. It has been hard. It has been a trying year. It has been exhausting. It has felt like somedays I am bairly swimming to keep my head above water. Some days, I feel like I can handle it all.
Taking time off work use to be a source of anxiety for me. Making shifts to re-arrange plans would cause a huge frustration. I realized I didn’t want this for my life. I realized I can have it all. I realize I can make my career what I want it to be. I can have my career, time with the kids & personal time. That’s exactly what I have created. The perfect balance that most are striving for each day.
Then why does it still feel like I am not enough?
I have the Masters degree, a business, a successful podcast, supportive husband, and the “house with the white picket fence” yet I don’t feel happy. My husband calls it “an age thing”. He describes how many people go through this in their 30’s- the questioning of meaning behind life and re-examining everything.
I have come to realize that money makes things easier but it does not add worth or value to my life. I struggle to let him support us financially because my personal worth is tied up in how much money I make or how many clients I see a week. The life coach inside tells me to “knock it off” and “go easy on yourself” but the inner critic pushes her down.
I never feel good enough even when I am doing enough. To others, it looks like I have a lot going on but I still think I can be doing more. I have learned that this “complex” I have is really just high-functioning anxiety.
This form of anxiety doesn’t present as anxiety. It presents as over-achieving, successful, organized, on time, put together and never saying no. This has worked in my favor at my job and home but it brings me to my knees at night or long car rides when I start overthinking, critiquing and nervously biting my nails.
Anxiety looks a little different on each person. I never saw these things as anxiety. This new perspective gave me an understanding that I can give myself a little more grace. It allowed me to notice my behaviors and thoughts as a source of my anxiety not a personal deficit. I can separate anxiety from me. Katelyn.
Anxiety will make you doubt yourself. It will put every interaction, behavior or thought under microscope so you can once again tell yourself that you aren’t enough.
I became a coach and counselor because I have grown through many of life’s difficulties yet I find myself also trapped by anxiety. I have learned how to ask for help, take what I need and assert those needs, When I don’t, I breakdown.
It is time to shed the old stories that are no longer true. It is time to tell new ones that haven’t been heard yet. It is time to re-design and envision a new life where balance, harmony, grace and love exist within. It is time to become existential and kind with the life we lead.
Life problems won’t ever go away but our way through them can change.
With light,
Katelyn
